Scene 1
Two women are at a
bar. They are both in their thirties. Denise is well-dressed and thin. Ella is average in weight, and isn’t dressed as well as Denise is. Each
of them has a drink and they sip at it while they converse.
DENISE
Still single?
ELLA
Actually, I started seeing someone. It’s new…and I want to
see where it goes.
DENISE
Mmm hmm. And who is this guy?
ELLA
Oh someone I met when I was out.
DENISE
Out where?
ELLA
Shopping.
DENISE
For?
ELLA
You know…um….donuts.
DENISE
Oh gawd.
ELLA
I don’t know. It’s just the first thing that came to mind.
I’m not really seeing anyone.
DENISE
That’s a relief. I hate to imagine what kind of guy you
could score at a donut shop.
ELLA
I’m sure there are decent guys who go get donuts.
DENISE
If by decent you mean fat, then sure.
ELLA
Okay fine. I won’t be doing any man hunting in donut shops.
DENISE
Won’t be putting on your best sweatpants?
ELLA
But…if I happen to see somebody-
DENISE
Oh dear lord stop. You won’t be meeting anyone there because
you will not be eating them anymore.
ELLA
Hey being single is hard. The donuts help.
DENISE
Help you to gain ten pounds.
ELLA
Why do you have to be such a hard ass all the time?
DENISE
Do you want to be single forever?
ELLA
No…
DENISE
It’s just as well. Dating is a destructive hobby. At least
for you anyway.
ELLA
I’ve just had bad luck.
DENISE
And I bet some bad fucks too.
ELLA
You are just being mean now…..But yah, sure.
DENISE
You are never going to get what you want unless you can put
on some thick skin and learn how to play the game.
ELLA
But I don’t want to play games. I just want to fall in love.
DENISE
You are past thirty. It doesn’t work like that anymore.
Sorry. No more fantasizing about being someone’s one true love. At this point,
you are lucky to find someone who isn’t divorced with three kids.
ELLA
I don’t know. Maybe being a step-mom would be nice.
DENISE
(Laughs) You
should know better than I, with all that Disney crap you’re stuck on, that being
a step-mom is not in any way desirable.
ELLA
Well you said it yourself. Life isn’t a fairy tale. Maybe in the real world being a step-mom could
be cool. It’s not like I’m a bitch, so I’m sure they won’t hate me.
DENISE
Okay, let’s say the kids like you. In fact you love them.
You will always be second to their real mom.
ELLA
Well what if they like me more?
DENISE
Then you’d be a bitch. You see now?
ELLA
What do you suggest I do?
DENISE
See that guy over at the bar. With the blue dress shirt?
ELLA
(Peeks to the side)
Yeah...
DENISE
Go talk to him.
ELLA
Just go over there and say what?
DENISE
Tell him you like his tie and then say your name.
ELLA
That will work?
DENISE
Sure. It’s really not that hard to get a guy to talk to you.
Before you go, lower your top a little.
ELLA
My top is fine. (Denise
reaches over and yanks her top down a bit) Hey! I think all that did was
stretch it out.
DENISE
You look good. Go.
ELLA
Fine.
(ELLA walks off stage.
Denise is sipping her Martini glass while she waits. After about thirty seconds
she comes back.)
DENISE
So did you get his number?
ELLA
No.
DENISE
What happened?
ELLA
I did exactly like you said.
DENISE
And?
ELLA
That’s it. I said, “I like your tie. I’m Ella.” And he
smiled back and said thanks. And then I didn’t have anything else to say. And
he wasn’t saying anything else, so I just walked back here.
DENISE
Jesus Christ. Do I have to teach you everything?
ELLA
It’s not that easy.
DENISE
You could have just asked him what his name is.
ELLA
Oh…right. Fuck.
DENISE
Yes fuck. That’s another night of donuts instead of sex for you.
ELLA
Not everything is about sex you know.
DENISE
Yes, but you can’t have anything without it, now can you?
ELLA
I’m just so out of practice.
DENISE
I’ll show you. You see that man over there in the white
suit?
ELLA
(Looks over)
Yeah.
DENISE
Target acquired.
ELLA
Don’t you already have a guy?
DENISE
I said target acquired.
ELLA
Oh gawd. Do what you will.
(Denise disappears
off stage. ELLA is watching interested. Then she gasps and starts laughing.
Denise comes back.)
What the hell happened?
DENISE
I didn’t see the ring okay.
ELLA
He threw a drink on you just for hitting on him?
DENISE
I might have been a bit forward.
ELLA
What did you say?
DENISE
Okay, I might have seen the ring.
ELLA
What did you say?
DENISE
I said, “How about you take a vacation from your wife and we
enjoy a nice hotel together.”
ELLA
You said that?? Have you no morals?
DENISE
This is the first time this has happened……They usually just
agree.
ELLA
Oh dear gawd.
DENISE
What?
ELLA
And you give me shit. You may always have a slew of men around
you, but you will never land one for real. You care about sex way too much. And
as long as that’s the case, you won’t know what love is.
DENISE
And you do?
ELLA
Hey, I might eat calories, and I don’t have expensive
clothes, or nails, or hair, but I know how to love.
DENISE
Donuts. You know how to love donuts.
ELLA
What makes you think that you are any closer to marriage
than I am?
DENISE
What makes you think I even want marriage??
ELLA
Oh you want marriage, just as much as I. But you’re scared.
You’re scared and you use your body as an escape.
DENISE
What a load of crap. If you haven’t noticed, I’m a few years
younger than you. I have plenty of time to worry about that stuff.
ELLA
You are not. We graduated high school together.
DENISE
Oh right. Well I guess I forgot, being how you’ve let your
looks go.
ELLA
Oh fuck you.
DENISE
Don’t need to. I’m getting plenty.
ELLA
I’m just as hot.
DENISE
(Laughs)
ELLA
I am and I’ll prove it.
DENISE
Oh you will now.
ELLA
Yeah. I’ve got some scissors in my purse and I can make this
outfit real skimpy.
DENISE
(Laughs harder)
That’s hilarious. Hitting on men in rags.
ELLA
Let’s see who can get the most numbers before midnight. Handwritten. No cheating.
DENISE
And the loser?
ELLA
Loser has to….
DENISE
Loser has to clean the other’s apartment for a month.
ELLA
You’re on.
Scene 2
At bar again.
ELLA
How many have you got?
DENISE
Let’s see.
Denise smugly pulls
out the numbers from her purse. She counts twenty as she puts them on the
table. ELLA dumps her purse out onto the table. There is a butt ton (however
you want to interpret butt ton) of numbers written on napkins pouring out.
How the hell did you do that?
ELLA
I got donuts. You never said we had to stay in the bar.
DENISE
They don’t count if they’re from a donut shop.
ELLA
I think they do. Sorry, you lost. (Hands her plastic gloves) Have fun cleaning my apartment.
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