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| Artwork by Monica Adrian |
By Monica Adrian
I used to struggle telling the difference between what my intuition was telling me and what was just plain insecurity. What these have in common is that they are both defensive mechanisms to prevent myself from getting hurt. I find that intuitive decisions are more reliable than ones that are based off of insecure tendencies. Intuition is a powerful tool that can be trusted if it's not muddled with irrational feelings of self-doubt. It's taken a lot of reflection and life experience to learn how to decipher between the two, but I believe I've gotten a better handle on it.
I'll start by referencing Dictionary.com:
"Insecurity- lack of confidence or assurance; self-doubt:
Intuition- apprehension or quick insight."
This idea that intuition is "quick insight" implies that it is not groundless. It is not some magical force that enters into you mysteriously and it's just plain egotistical to think you are cosmically psychic. Intuition stems from your own intellect. It translates as a feeling simply because you do not have the time at the moment to put that intellectual feeling into words.
A strong intuition triggers an impulse. This may take you out of a dangerous situation or make you feel like you want to immediately get away from a person you feel does not have good intentions.
However, most of the time intuition is far more subtle. It's a pulling feeling at the back of the mind and it can last for a generous amount of time if it is not responded to. It lets you know that something is wrong and it's asks you to explore it further.
I believe our brains are capable of storing so much data that we can't possibly think about everything it collects. However, intuition may very well be responding to data that hasn't been attended to yet. This unexplored information could be a facial expression, a gesture, or a small thing someone said. It's called subtext when there is a hidden or unspoken meaning beneath someone's words. We often don't catch it right away and it takes a lot of experience and practice reading subtext correctly. Intuition is what asks you to look into that subtext but insecurity can be where things get misinterpreted.
Insecurity is governed by fear. It is fear of rejection or fear of not getting what we want. This is often intensified after being hurt or disappointed multiple times. Intuition, on the other hand, is not so much characterized by fear as it is by the intellect or even survival. It's there because there is an actual reason behind it and it's up to you to validate it. If you can't then it is probably insecurity. There are many incorrect forms of validation. These include;
"He doesn't like me because guys aren't into me."
"He's going to break up with me because they all do around this time."
"I don't trust him because they all cheat."
Intuition is independent of your past experiences because it's not rational to assume negative information in new circumstances based off of things that have happened in the past. However, as I said before, it takes experience reading things such as subtext correctly. Past experiences should not be what prompts intuition but it is a way of understanding it.
Examples of rational validations include:
"I think something is wrong in the relationship because he doesn't look in my eyes anymore when he tells me he loves me."
"I think this guy is just using me for my body because he's not present when we talk."
"I think he's cheating because of a, b, c, d pieces of evidence."
If this has happened before then it should be easy to see it again, but your validation must be very specific and take into consideration what other factors are at hand. A guy might not text you back right away because he doesn't text anyone quickly, even though this was the sign given to you when your last boyfriend left.
Understanding doubt is a convoluted process of separating intuition from insecurity. And it's foolish to assume everyone is insecure just because they are having doubts. Many doubts are often reasonable or founded on insightful intuition that only they can feel.
When it comes down to it, whether your doubt is intuition or insecurity based, you need to be honest with yourself in what you need to make you happy. Strong people make for stronger relationships and insecurity only hinders them. On the other hand, if your instincts are telling you to get out, then by all means.
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