Soul-Heart-Mind
Looking at Vegas is like looking at a penis. It’s not exactly beautiful, but it’s just really…there,
and kind of exciting to look at. I’ve seen these lights before, but it’s been a while. We live close
enough to drive from Cali but not to be able to do so very often. They’ve erected a few new buildings,
or penises…whatever. Is there anything all that feminine about Vegas? It’s like a peacock demanding
your attention: look how fucking flashy I can be. Peacocks are aggressive. Vegas too. You just don’t
notice right away because of all the lights and pretty colors that are there to distract you. If you’re not
careful you’re going home broke.
and kind of exciting to look at. I’ve seen these lights before, but it’s been a while. We live close
enough to drive from Cali but not to be able to do so very often. They’ve erected a few new buildings,
or penises…whatever. Is there anything all that feminine about Vegas? It’s like a peacock demanding
your attention: look how fucking flashy I can be. Peacocks are aggressive. Vegas too. You just don’t
notice right away because of all the lights and pretty colors that are there to distract you. If you’re not
careful you’re going home broke.
So I avoid gambling altogether. I don’t even have a desire to spend the ten-dollar gambling credit the
casino gave me. I find it…um…beneath me. Slot machines cater to the insane. I watch my boyfriend
play and I can’t decipher any logical pattern for the way it awards money. Sometimes the little pictures
lock in place. I think this is to make you think progress is happening but it never means shit. There is
no point to any of it. I stop looking at the screen and just keep my eyes on the money.
casino gave me. I find it…um…beneath me. Slot machines cater to the insane. I watch my boyfriend
play and I can’t decipher any logical pattern for the way it awards money. Sometimes the little pictures
lock in place. I think this is to make you think progress is happening but it never means shit. There is
no point to any of it. I stop looking at the screen and just keep my eyes on the money.
After having enough, I give him my free casino card and walk away.
We’ve been together a couple years more or less; met right after my 26th birthday. We took this
vacation to celebrate Christmas together before both of us have to take off for the holidays.
vacation to celebrate Christmas together before both of us have to take off for the holidays.
I go to the bar to get myself a gin and tonic. I get served by a blonde in a Ms. Claus outfit. I sit and
sip at it while looking up at the numerous sports teams up above. I’m not into sports; it just feels like
a convenient place to rest one’s eyes. I wish the other men at the bar would have a bit more fidelity to
the TVs. I can tell a few are looking at me. They are all in their late forties or fifties. After enough of
their stares, I figure it is time to head back.
sip at it while looking up at the numerous sports teams up above. I’m not into sports; it just feels like
a convenient place to rest one’s eyes. I wish the other men at the bar would have a bit more fidelity to
the TVs. I can tell a few are looking at me. They are all in their late forties or fifties. After enough of
their stares, I figure it is time to head back.
I walk past the machines in reverse order from the way I came: Bridesmaids, Wheel of Fortune,
Bejeweled, Zuma, and finally when I get to Triple Red Hot 7s. He isn’t there. I browse around taking
in the clamor of bells and whistles but can’t place his blond head and slumped shoulders anywhere.
I take out my phone to call him but get no answer.
Bejeweled, Zuma, and finally when I get to Triple Red Hot 7s. He isn’t there. I browse around taking
in the clamor of bells and whistles but can’t place his blond head and slumped shoulders anywhere.
I take out my phone to call him but get no answer.
The fuck.
The faster I walk through the casino looking for him the more I feel people are staring at me. I am
something to be stared at being 5’11 in black four-inch heels. I go from anger to concern. The hell
could he be? I go up to see if he’s in the room without me. Maybe he’s feeling sick. After swiping
the keycard I open the door.
something to be stared at being 5’11 in black four-inch heels. I go from anger to concern. The hell
could he be? I go up to see if he’s in the room without me. Maybe he’s feeling sick. After swiping
the keycard I open the door.
He’s sitting on the bed with his shoes off. Our room has a view of the strip through the large window.
I look at him in want of an explanation.
I look at him in want of an explanation.
“My phone was dead so I came up to charge it.”
“Why couldn’t you just wait for me?”
“I didn’t even know where you had gone off to.”
“David I told you I was getting a drink.”
“I didn’t hear you say that.”
“It’s because of those stupid slots. They’re so noisy.”
“We don’t have to go back down to the casino.”
“You lost didn’t you?” I can see the guilt in those tired blue eyes.
“Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
“How much?”
“Don’t worry, we can still have a nice time, just maybe not go to that show.”
“Don’t worry, we can still have a nice time, just maybe not go to that show.”
“You know I’ve been wanting to see Cirque du Soleil.”
“Babe…”
“Guess I’m going by myself.”
“Don’t be like that babe…”
After plenty of arguing we both agree that we’re hungry. We head back down to eat. I want the buffet
and he wants sushi, but because he needs to watch his diet we go with his pick. The atmosphere is a bit
more modern than the usual sushi restaurant, but the food tastes just the same. I get a Red Dragon and
he goes with a Rainbow as always.
and he wants sushi, but because he needs to watch his diet we go with his pick. The atmosphere is a bit
more modern than the usual sushi restaurant, but the food tastes just the same. I get a Red Dragon and
he goes with a Rainbow as always.
When we finish he asks, “Split the bill?”
It was his decision to come here. I was hoping he’d get it, but whatever. It was just as well. Normally
whoever picks pays. I put it on my card and he gives me cash. At least that’s fifteen less dollars going
into those machines.
whoever picks pays. I put it on my card and he gives me cash. At least that’s fifteen less dollars going
into those machines.
When I have come to think of it, going to Vegas was really his pick too. I wanted to just go to Solvang
instead, a nice quiet little quaint town, beautiful this time of year. It’s because of his brother. He and
his wife are meeting us tomorrow. They’re coming from Texas.
instead, a nice quiet little quaint town, beautiful this time of year. It’s because of his brother. He and
his wife are meeting us tomorrow. They’re coming from Texas.
********
I’m not a spa chick. I’ve never been to one being that I don’t even get my nails done. I don’t like to
keep still for too long and I’m fine with my nails being uneven. I’d like to think of myself as generally
not so stressed that I need to sit in a moist room for hours on end. But whatever, Brooke wanted to
come.
keep still for too long and I’m fine with my nails being uneven. I’d like to think of myself as generally
not so stressed that I need to sit in a moist room for hours on end. But whatever, Brooke wanted to
come.
When we come into the lobby I am greeted by about four dwarfish women. They can’t be taller than
five feet and I wonder why the company has chosen this as their aesthetic for their employees. Perhaps
it makes the averagely tall woman feel taller. I on the other hand feel like a giant among them.
five feet and I wonder why the company has chosen this as their aesthetic for their employees. Perhaps
it makes the averagely tall woman feel taller. I on the other hand feel like a giant among them.
We pay and when they lead us inside they act like we are about to enter some place very
special. I am actually a bit awed at first. They have a beautiful chandelier with orchids hanging
over the two large Jacuzzis and waterfalls on each side. It’s a tranquil reprieve from the rest of
the casino. They show us where the showers are, the various makeup rooms, and then lead us
to our lockers.
special. I am actually a bit awed at first. They have a beautiful chandelier with orchids hanging
over the two large Jacuzzis and waterfalls on each side. It’s a tranquil reprieve from the rest of
the casino. They show us where the showers are, the various makeup rooms, and then lead us
to our lockers.
I am taken off guard to see Brooke’s tits. She takes off her clothes like it’s nothing. I stuff my
head in my locker and as soon as I find my swimsuit I turn the other way from her to put it on.
When I face her again she is only wearing a bikini bottom.
head in my locker and as soon as I find my swimsuit I turn the other way from her to put it on.
When I face her again she is only wearing a bikini bottom.
“You’re just gonna go like that?”
“Yeah, at these upscale places they don’t require you to wear a top.”
It’s not that Brooke doesn’t have nice breasts; they are very nice, firm but pointy. I just don’t
really feel like getting to know my future sister-in-law while she is half naked.
really feel like getting to know my future sister-in-law while she is half naked.
She walks ahead of me and I can see them sway from side to side as she does her hair up in a
bun.
bun.
She gets into the Jacuzzi like it is her second home. I follow suit but I, unlike her, have to get in
slowly
as it’s so hot.
slowly
as it’s so hot.
“Don’t you just love to relax?” she asks me, breasts slightly floating in the water.
“Sure, when I get home from work sometimes I take a bath.”
“Oh my god, I spend so much time in the bath Josh always asks if I’m playing with myself.
I have all these candles and incents.
I’ve been using lavender oil in the water. Seriously, it is so good for you, like your skin and you
can breathe better.
You should try it.”
I have all these candles and incents.
I’ve been using lavender oil in the water. Seriously, it is so good for you, like your skin and you
can breathe better.
You should try it.”
“Yeah, I just use water. Soap too.”
She puts the cucumbers over her eyes and tilts her head back as if not to disturb her. I must have said something wrong.
When I begin to feel overheated I step out and lay on a lawn chair. One of the spa attendees comes and lets me pick
between various flavored waters. I can’t help but admit that my cranberry pineapple is delicious.
When I finish one cup I instantly am given another. The spa women are so attentive that it feels a lot like being babysat.
But in a way, isn’t that what this is? It’s like David and Josh sent us to daycare while they go hit the town. I sit drinking,
staring at the waterfalls for some time till Brooke joins me.
between various flavored waters. I can’t help but admit that my cranberry pineapple is delicious.
When I finish one cup I instantly am given another. The spa women are so attentive that it feels a lot like being babysat.
But in a way, isn’t that what this is? It’s like David and Josh sent us to daycare while they go hit the town. I sit drinking,
staring at the waterfalls for some time till Brooke joins me.
“That Jacuzzi was amazing,” she says as she wraps herself in a towel before lying on the lawn chair next to me.
“Yes, it was nice and hot.” What the hell else is there to say about it? I suppose at about this time I am supposed to ask her
questions. “So are you liking the hotel?”
questions. “So are you liking the hotel?”
“Oh my god, our room is amazing.”
“As amazing as the Jacuzzi?” I’m hoping that she won’t be able to detect the hint of sarcasm in there.
“Yeah, for sure.” I’m relieved to see that she hadn’t. “Yeah, Josh and I have really made great use of our room.”
I did not need to know that.
“So I assume then that the sex is amazing.” My inner-bitch can’t help but patronize her. Though I feel safe now that she can’t tell.
“Oh my god, yeah. I’m so lucky, married to a great guy where things are still hot you know?”
No, I do not know. The sex between David and I has become a bit of a drudgery, just slightly more stimulating than sitting on a dryer.
“That’s amazing,” I say out loud to her in feigned earnestness.
“That’s amazing,” I say out loud to her in feigned earnestness.
What’s amazing is that using the word amazing over and over again with her makes it so we are finally getting along better. Perhaps
for Brooke everything is amazing, that she’s just capable of more joy than I am.
for Brooke everything is amazing, that she’s just capable of more joy than I am.
Another attendee comes with the platter of waters for Brooke to choose from.
“I recommend the cranberry pineapple,” I tell her.
“Jesus, this is so good,” she says after drinking it. Of course it is.
“Would you like some reading material?” the attendee asks.
“Yes, please,” Brooke answers in return.
The attendee comes back with a handful of magazines: Lucky, Star, People, Cosmopolitan. I want to laugh at what is
considered “reading material” here. Brooke selects Cosmopolitan. I’m not surprised. “And you?” the tiny attendee asks me.
She is standing and doesn’t even have to stoop.
considered “reading material” here. Brooke selects Cosmopolitan. I’m not surprised. “And you?” the tiny attendee asks me.
She is standing and doesn’t even have to stoop.
“I brought my own book,” I answer. I go to my locker to fetch it out of my purse. I am happy to
have an excuse to stop talking with Brooke. Thanks spa lady.
have an excuse to stop talking with Brooke. Thanks spa lady.
********
I can’t help but think, David please don’t put your arm around me just because Josh is with Brooke.
Of course he does not read my mind and slings it over my shoulders anyways.
Of course he does not read my mind and slings it over my shoulders anyways.
I should have figured she’d come all dolled up, her hair in perfect ringlets, cleavage showing in a
sparkly tight dress. Makes me wish I didn’t come in jeans.
sparkly tight dress. Makes me wish I didn’t come in jeans.
The two are kind of sickening. What the hell is the point of eating with us if they are just going to
fondle each other under the table the whole time anyways?
fondle each other under the table the whole time anyways?
I want so bad to tell David, No, we can’t compete so don’t even try.
Besides I don’t need to be in that constant honeymoon phase to be happy and have a real relationship.
After a while it’s kind of juvenile. What are they in high school? They might as well be the way they
look at each other, like everything they say is an inside joke. For the love of god I wish they’d
sometimes explain their giggling.
After a while it’s kind of juvenile. What are they in high school? They might as well be the way they
look at each other, like everything they say is an inside joke. For the love of god I wish they’d
sometimes explain their giggling.
“Sorry,” Josh turns to us. “We just thought it was so funny that the waitress’s name is Cindy because
on our trip to Bermuda, Cindy was the name of our….” (Yeah, I tune out for most of this.) “…So then
we’re like sure we’ll accept the honeymoon suite. It was the only room left. But in a way it still feels
like we are on our honeymoon even if that was three years ago.”
on our trip to Bermuda, Cindy was the name of our….” (Yeah, I tune out for most of this.) “…So then
we’re like sure we’ll accept the honeymoon suite. It was the only room left. But in a way it still feels
like we are on our honeymoon even if that was three years ago.”
Then what the fuck are we doing here on your honeymoon?
“He’s my soul-heart-mind mate,” Brooke says while petting his face.
“Your what now?”
“Soul-heart-mind. We thought of it together, because we love each other with more than just our soul.
We love each other with everything we have.”
We love each other with everything we have.”
I swear I feel a little barf come up my throat.
“Well it’s a mouthful,” I say, followed by some nervous laughter. They do not laugh back.
David takes his arm off me to nudge me under the table with it.
“I’m sorry. She’s just not much of a softy.”
“I’m soft David. I’m just affectionate like a normal person.”
“Will you excuse us?” David pushes me out of the booth. We walk out of the restaurant and around the corner
back to where the slots are. “Why do you have to be this way?”
back to where the slots are. “Why do you have to be this way?”
“I guess I just slipped okay. I didn’t mean to offend anyone.”
“You know I don’t get to see my brother that often. I don’t think you get that.”
“No, I get that.”
“You do? Because how hard is it to just be nice?”
“With them? Very difficult actually. That was me holding back.”
I can tell David is really angry with me. He is doing that thing where he looks at me and then has to
look away like he can’t even stand the sight of me.
look away like he can’t even stand the sight of me.
“They’re just happy. Is that so wrong? I’m happy for them. You should be too.”
“Well you shouldn’t have said sorry for me. They wouldn’t have been bothered if you just didn’t say
anything. They don’t know me like you do.”
“Oh so now this is my fault?”
anything. They don’t know me like you do.”
“Oh so now this is my fault?”
We don’t speak for some time. The casino chimes and rings, whirls and jingles, but neither of us says
anything. I look over and someone has won. They’re clapping their hands and squealing in joy.
anything. I look over and someone has won. They’re clapping their hands and squealing in joy.
“Why can’t we be happy like they are?” he says finally. He’s not referring to the squealing old Asian
couple. I know who he is talking about. “You’re not the only one that’s bothered. It bothers me too okay.
I want what they have. They showed me their pictures. Always smiling. You hate taking pictures.
You never let me be giddy. You don’t let me adore you. You always have to be so grounded all the time.”
couple. I know who he is talking about. “You’re not the only one that’s bothered. It bothers me too okay.
I want what they have. They showed me their pictures. Always smiling. You hate taking pictures.
You never let me be giddy. You don’t let me adore you. You always have to be so grounded all the time.”
“They are so fucking happy,” I agree. “I just don’t get how to be like that. See the world like it’s perfectly
magical. It’s like they live in their own little dreamland.”
magical. It’s like they live in their own little dreamland.”
“But isn’t that what love should be like?”
“Sure…no. I don’t know. It’s not just us. It’s who we are.”
“What are you saying?”
“We’ve been through too much to pretend that the world is something that it isn’t.”
“They make that world together between them.”
“I can’t be your soul-heart-spirit-brain mate, whatever it is.”
“But what if I want that?” He’s looking into my eyes now, asking for something he knows I can never
give him.
give him.
“That’s not even a thing.”
He sighs heavily. “So should we go back in?”
“I really don’t want to. Go on ahead without me.”
“Don’t walk away from us.”
*******
I go to the hotel, pack my things together, and pay way too much money for a flight out back home.
I am stunned to see that there are even slot machines in the airport terminal. It’s a cruel, cruel thing
to do. Poor addicts can’t help themselves. At least they are trying to do the right thing by leaving.
It’s a sad thing to watch them gamble till the last possible second, to see that look of forlorn
determination on their faces, that unwavering hope when it’s just better to give up.
I am stunned to see that there are even slot machines in the airport terminal. It’s a cruel, cruel thing
to do. Poor addicts can’t help themselves. At least they are trying to do the right thing by leaving.
It’s a sad thing to watch them gamble till the last possible second, to see that look of forlorn
determination on their faces, that unwavering hope when it’s just better to give up.
I feel like I can’t get away fast enough. There was no point in finishing out the weekend.
When we parted outside the restaurant we both knew we were done. We felt it in out
soul-heart-minds. Maybe it’s not so stupid of a concept after all.
When we parted outside the restaurant we both knew we were done. We felt it in out
soul-heart-minds. Maybe it’s not so stupid of a concept after all.
0 comments :
Post a Comment