Sex Etiquette; A Guide in How to Engage in Sex Respectfully

Forget the dinner table. The bedroom is the most important place to exercise good manners and etiquette. Bad manners have the highest negative consequence when involved with sex. The two together is a disastrous combination that can destruct otherwise healthy relationships. Even if you are not in a formal relationship you should still treat the person with respect because everyone deserves it. Failure to do so could result in serious damage to their psyche or self-esteem. For some people respect comes easier than others, but it's a lot more complicated than you would think. You may be doing something wrong and not even know it.
This will take time to read as it is quite comprehensive, but I promise it will make you a better sexual partner and human being.


Agree on Birth Control Methods
Before having sex for the first time with a new partner, you need to agree on what method of birth control you will be using and follow through with what has been agreed upon. If she says pull out, it would be completely inappropriate to go inside anyways. You must comply to whatever will make the other person comfortable. If one person is adamant on condoms and you don’t like to use them—too bad. You can choose to opt out if it is going to be too much of a problem.

Stop When Told

You must be willing to stop during sex at any point. If the other person tells you to stop, regardless of whatever emotional or physical factor it may be because of, you must stop—immediately. You can ask about it later, not during. You cannot answer back, “But I’m about to go.”

Be a Good Listener

If someone says you are going too hard, you are, and you need to listen and adjust yourself accordingly because you may be hurting them. It is not okay to enjoy your pleasure at the other person’s expense. People need to feel acknowledged in the bedroom. Otherwise it creates a negative experience for them in which they feel neglected and used. Also, being a good listener in bed will make you a better sexual partner as you will learn how to please them best.

Constructive Criticism Only

Just as you need to be a good listener in the bedroom, you need to learn how to speak courteously as well. If someone is doing something you don’t like, get the information across without insulting them.

Give Complete Attention

No multitasking in the bedroom. Seriously. You can’t be watching the game and get laid or get head at the same time unless your partner has offered this to you specifically. It’s extremely rude. I’d like to add, and it horrifies me that this happens to people, that you cannot be looking at any type of porn while doing anything sexual with your partner either. It could potentially lower their self-esteem in a way that is abusive.  I wouldn't even ask if you could do this. Even asking is offensive. Again, unless your partner offers this to you specifically, and knows you well enough to know that it would appeal to you, do not even go there.

Always Ask Before Trying Anything New

It is a huge breach of sexual trust when a partner springs something new on you without asking first. You need to ask before you start having sex if they would want to try something different. To ask during doesn't give your partner enough time to think about it and they may feel pressured to accept. It’s completely not fair to them. Depending on what it is—whether it’s going into the wrong hole or whipping out some new equipment—this could lead to a traumatic experience for them that you do not want to be responsible for.

Remember Names

Before you have sex with someone you should be confident that you know their name. Preferably first and last, in my opinion. They do this all the time in movies where the guy in the morning doesn't know the woman’s name. It’s really not funny but extremely degrading to the other person and disrespectful.

Inform the Other of Your Morning Schedule

Just like knowing their name in the morning, don’t be rude and wake them up super early without warning them first. The night before, let them know your morning schedule that way they can make their own decision if they want to stay, reschedule altogether, or have their romp and leave that same night.

Return to Bed Quickly

After having sex, fine, do what you need to do, throw out the condom and get any necessary towels, but then immediately after you should get back in bed with them. This is not the time to check emails, do dishes, take a selfie, check yourself out ect. Doing so is a really quick way to communicate to the other person that you don’t mean shit to them. You don’t need to spoon or cuddle, but at least wait the appropriate amount of time before switching tasks. This requires a minimum of five minutes of undivided attention.

Express Gratitude

To say thank you right after having sex may come off the wrong way, like you haven’t had it in a long time or as if they had just performed a service for you. But find some way to let them know your appreciation, even if it’s just saying something simple like, “Thank you for coming,” before they leave.

Be a Good Sport

If they say, “Not tonight,” your response should be nothing less than, “That’s alright.” They shouldn’t have to justify why they’re not in the mood. What good is going to come out of that conversation? It’s not going to make them feel more aroused having to explain themselves to you. And grasping her breasts, or stroking his dick, is just annoying if they seriously do not want to be touched at that time. So don’t do that hoping it will change their mind, especially when you can see that it bothers them. So how about when you don’t get your way, you just take it and move on. If you are having intimacy problems and are receiving little to no sex, then it is okay to have a discussion about it, but please, not at bedtime, and not when you’re horny and frustrated.

Don’t Act Entitled

This overlaps a lot with the previous section but I’d like to add on to that. If a girl or guy hints at or tells you that you are not getting laid tonight, do not try to provide evidence with why you should still get to have it like you are on a debate team. It doesn’t work like that, and you will most likely insult them with any reason you bring up. For instance:

“But I paid for dinner.”

What am I a prostitute?

“But I was so nice to you today.”

So being nice to me is a chore and is just a means to an end for you?

“But it’s been a while.” 
So I have a responsibility to sleep with you after a certain amount of days? Should I start marking my calendar now?

None of these arguments work. Debating about deserving sex is a stupid thing to debate about. If it is a birthday, anniversary, or Valentine’s Day, your partner is already aware of that added pressure. Bringing it up as a reason to get what you want is the fastest way to not get it at all.

No Guilt-Tripping

If you are not getting what feels to you like an adequate amount of sex in your relationship, you should not tell that person or even imply that it makes them an inadequate partner. There are a multitude of reasons that could be the cause of this.

It could mean that other problems in your relationship are making it difficult for the other person to feel connected sexually. Work on those other problems and see if your sex life increases naturally as a result. Not being able to have sex when they feel angry or neglected is not a defect.

They could also just naturally have a lower sex-drive and this is something that they should not be faulted with or be viewed as inferior. It can’t really be helped, and besides, there are many benefits to not having a high sex-drive. One, they have a stronger selection process as they are not rushed by their sexual appetites. You could even take it as a compliment that they picked you for you. And two, having a high sex-drive can be incredibly taxing and time-consuming. Why should they share your feelings of sexual frustration? It may perfectly suit their lifestyle or personality. If you ultimately feel that you are not sexually compatible and cannot adjust, they may not be the right partner for you. While it is a pretty low reason to leave someone for, it is better than making each other miserable over it. In this case, it doesn’t make them a bad partner, but not the right match for you. If you really love them, and your relationship has made it to that point despite the sexual incompatibility, it will always be worth the sacrifice. Perhaps quality not quantity is the thing to keep in mind.

It could be a physical issue. There are tons of reasons that impede people from performing sexually. It could be as minor as a yeast infection or it could be a bigger issue. Life is long. Somewhere down the line something could happen to one of you that will prevent the possibility of sex until recovery. Learn to accept the circumstances and be an adult about it. To make someone feel bad about a yeast infection or erectile dysfunction is a pretty cruel thing to do. Always be gracious under these conditions and understand they could happen to anyone.

No Harmful Demands
Making harmful demands is abusive treatment to your partner. (I use the word harmful because some people are into varying extents of sexual dominance. In this case it should be previously discussed, agreed upon, and mutually beneficial.) In general though, being commanded sexually is extremely degrading. It is not okay to tell someone, "Get back on the bed," or "I gave you head, now you have to give me my turn." Maybe his dick smelled like rotting fish that day. Whatever the reason is you are not getting what you want, you do not have a right to phrase what you want as a harmful demand to the other person. When someone says no to something, you must accept that answer, period. Trying to force or pressure someone to do anything is extremely immoral. When understanding what is an inappropriate demand, ask yourself, "Is this at the other person's expense?" or "Am I telling them to do something they do not want to do?" If they don't want to swallow you can't make them.

There are plenty of acceptable demands. For instance, "Turn around," or "Faster," —you get the idea. A lot of whether this is okay is going to have a lot to do with the tone of voice. You never want to use an angry or frustrated tone. This makes it sound like a harmful demand, rather than just a declarative sentence. When you really think about it, when people generally say these declarative sentence/demands they are just suggestions. They are not actually telling you that you have to do that. As long as the demand is reasonable, is spoken politely, is not causing the other person harm, such as ignoring their wishes or limitations, and they would feel in the right or position to decline, it is most likely acceptable.
There are also non-verbal commands worth addressing. A hand to the head during fellatio is fine until they take it off. If they remove your hand, do not place it back on top. That would completely be ignoring their boundaries and is an example of disrespect. I would start by placing the hand only gently. Test what the other person is comfortable with slowly, that way they feel comfortable telling you what not to do, instead of insulted and possibly pressured.
Acceptable demands are a key part of sexual communication and is within everyone's benefit to make use of. So please, use common sense and do not overstep your boundaries.

Take Turns
Everyone has different preferences in what gets them off best. These include different positions, or perhaps involving a vibrator or other toy into the mix. It is unlikely that you will have the same exact preferences. Unless you live in a romance novel, it is implausible that you will always double orgasm. For this reason, make sure you are giving each other their turn at their sexual preference so that both of you are equally, or approx. equally, experiencing orgasms. (Granted, some people just have a harder time doing so in general and don't feel a need to orgasm each time. It doesn't mean their partner should just give up on them either.) 
Failure to be mindful of the other person's turn will gasp... make you seem selfish in bed. Don't make the other person feel disregarded. Sex is about pleasing each other, not just yourself.

Don't Skip The Foreplay
It's just courtesy. Sticking a finger in and checking if it's ready feels all too similar to checking to see if a turkey is done. After a while it becomes a turn-off. Taking your time shows that you care. This goes for the ladies too.


Be Honest
Be moral and be honest about your sexual intentions. If you do not want a relationship out of it, do not give them the wrong impression just so you can get what you want. It is a horrible way to hurt people, and unfortunately a very easy and common way as well. No one likes feeling used. Everyone deserves to be treated with respect, not just girlfriends and boyfriends. So do the right thing and be honest with them. You will enjoy sex more if you feel confident that it is mutually beneficial and that you will not be blatantly hurting someone by it.

Thank you for reading this post. I hope you learned something from it and will pass it on. Let's make the world a better place by making it a world with happy, positive, and respectful sex.

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