Written by- Monica Adrian
Mom- Should be played by a very attractive forty-year-old woman.
Rob- He is 16-years-old.
Paul- He is 16-years-old and attractive.
Veronica- She is 16-years-old and attractive.
Setting- The set consists of a dining room table next to a couch. It
should look like a comfortable home.
(Mom is on the couch folding laundry while Rob is at the table)
MOM
Help with the laundry.
ROB
I’m texting.
MOM
Now.
ROB
I’m texting.
MOM
I said now Robert.
ROB
Alright. Fine. (Puts phone in pocket and goes over to couch to fold laundry)
MOM
So what have you been up to?
ROB
Well I was texting.
MOM
Oh don’t be like that. How’s
everything? You still seeing Victoria?
ROB
Veronica.
MOM
That’s right Veronica.
ROB
Yeah?
MOM
Do anything fun lately?
ROB
No.
MOM
Nothing?
ROB
A movie.
MOM
What was it?
ROB
I don’t know. I was too busy
fingering her.
MOM
Rob! Why do you have to talk like
that?
ROB
You asked.
MOM
I did not ask.
ROB
You did. You asked if I did
anything fun lately.
MOM
Robert! I don’t need to know those
things.
ROB
Then don’t ask.
MOM
Why do you have to be like this?
Ever since you became a teenager. Why don’t we ever go to the movies?
ROB
That’s disgusting.
MOM
No I don’t mean to do that!! I mean
just mother and son time.
ROB
Cuz there wouldn’t be anything to
do but watch the movie.
MOM
What’s wrong with movies?
ROB
They’re not chick’s vaginas.
MOM
Robert seriously. Seriously Robert,
can’t you ever be serious?
ROB
Oh so seriously?
MOM
Please don’t smart mouth me.
ROB
What were we talking about?
MOM
I think you need to work on, we need to work on our relationship.
ROB
Again, that’s gross.
MOM
No, Robert. Not everything is about
sex!!
ROB
Sex makes the world go round.
MOM
That’s money.
ROB
But sex populates the earth.
MOM
Well it doesn’t need to be any more
populated than it is. And don’t be going around doing any populating.
Understand me?
ROB
I’m not!
MOM
Are you using protection?
ROB
Yes.
MOM
You’re using condoms?
ROB
Yeah. Okay.
MOM
You’re doing it wrong.
ROB
I know how to put on a condom.
MOM
No, the laundry. That’s not how you
fold a dress shirt.
ROB
Oh. You do it.
MOM
No, you need to learn. First you go
like this. (Folds shirt before him)
ROB
You do realize, I don’t care.
MOM
You should care. One day you’ll
have a job where you’ll have to look nice.
ROB
I’ll just have my babes iron them.
MOM
You are so disgusted to think of
your mom as your girlfriend but you want your girlfriends to be your mom.
ROB
This is getting weird.
MOM
You know what I mean.
ROB
I think you have some issues to
work out.
MOM
I’m not saying I want to be your
girlfriend, babe, fuck-buddy or whatever you kids are calling it nowadays.
ROB
Paul. Paul he’s your fuck buddy. I
knew it.
MOM
What? I’m not having any physical
relations with your best friend.
ROB
Paul uses the word fuck-buddy all
the time. And he thinks you’re hot.
MOM
He does? No... No I’m not sleeping
with Paul.
ROB
Fuck Paul.
MOM
Honey, I haven’t nor am I
interested in sleeping with your friends.
ROB
Fuck this shit. (gets up to leave)
MOM
No, we’re not done yet. Sit back
down.
ROB
This is taking forever.
MOM
That’s because you have so many
socks. Why do you have so many socks? Long
Pause Robert!!!!
Doorbell rings
Fine, you can answer it.
Overheard off stage
ROB
Jesus Paul. Why you gotta be
dipping your dick in the family gene pool?
PAUL
What?
ROB
Your dick fool.
PAUL
My dick where?
ROB
You think you can just take
advantage of my mama?
PAUL
You think I’m screwing your mom?
ROB
Yeah stupid.
PAUL
I mean yeah, I’d totally tap that
but I’m not.
MOM
Boys! Come over here.
(Paul and Rob enter the room)
Let me make one thing clear. I am
not having sex with Paul. You don’t want to be spreading rumors. Having sex
with a minor is a serious allegation.
PAUL
Sorry Ms. Donahue.
MOM
Oh don’t be sorry Paul. It’s my son
that is out of line.
PAUL
Thanks Ms. Donahue.
ROB
When you’re done can you carry it
to my room?
MOM
It’s your laundry. Take it yourself.
ROB
Fine.
MOM
Now please.
(Rob exits the room with laundry)
How are you Paul? Is everything
going well at school?
PAUL
Yes Ms. Donahue.
MOM
Please call me Susan.
PAUL
Yes Susan.
MOM
No need to be so formal. You can
make yourself comfortable around me.
PAUL
Thank you Susan.
(Rob enters the room)
ROB
Hey Paul lets go play video games
or something.
MOM
There is more laundry to do. I
helped you with your laundry. Can’t you help with mine?
ROB
Look I really don’t want to right now.
PAUL
I’ll help.
MOM
Paul wants to help.
ROB
Awesome Paul.
MOM
I’ll be right back.
(Mom exits the room)
ROB
Sorry my mom is such a buzzkill.
Sorry my mom is such a buzzkill.
PAUL
I think she’s nice.
ROB
That’s cuz you want to do dirty
things with her.
PAUL
I just want to help her with her
laundry. You should think about appreciating her more.
ROB
Don’t be telling me what to do. Me
and my mom get along fine. Too fine.
PAUL
I’m not saying you don’t.
ROB
Fine. But I swear-
(Mom re-enters room with the laundry. Rob gives his mom a dirty look.)
MOM
You don’t have to stay if you don’t
want to.
ROB
Fine, I’ll be upstairs.
(Rob storms off. Mom and Paul sit down on the couch with the laundry
between them)
MOM
I hope my delicates won’t make you
uncomfortable.
PAUL
(somewhat giddily) No Mrs. Donahue.
MOM
Oh it’s Miss. But I told you, call
me Susan.
PAUL
These are very nice...expensive
looking I mean. Pause I’m sorry
should I not have said anything?
MOM
Oh no, it’s fine. Tell me what else
do you think is nice?
PAUL
What do you mean?
MOM
Surely you must think what they
contain is also nice?
PAUL
Susan? Are you talking about your
breasts?
MOM
Shhhhhh! Don’t talk.
(Mom starts stroking a finger up and down his cheek)
PAUL
Ummm….Do you want me to keep
folding these?
MOM
No, no more folding. How about
clutching? How about grabbing? Stroking? Caressing? Perhaps biting?
(They start making out for about thirty seconds)
PAUL
But Rob-
MOM
Rob what?
PAUL
He’ll get mad.
MOM
He doesn’t have to know.
PAUL
But he’ll be-
MOM
We’re just doing laundry.
PAUL
No we’ve been…Oh….I get it…laundry.
(Mom strokes him over his pants)
MOM
Nothing but laundry.
PAUL
You’re really smart Ms…Susan.
MOM
Now be a good boy and take these to
my room. And if you could put them in my drawers. They are the top two shelves
of my dresser, on the right and on the left.
PAUL
Sure thing. Let me go take the laundry to your room.
(Paul takes the laundry up to her room but leaves a few pairs of
panties left behind. Mom starts reapplying lipstick. Robert re-enters the room)
ROB
What the hell mom? How many times
did you guys do it?
MOM
No, he just dropped my laundry. You
seriously think we could have fit that many in?
ROB
Where is he? I’m going to kill him.
MOM
You are not going to kill anyone,
because nothing happened. Like I said we we’re just doing laundry.
ROB
NO. That’s not what happened.
You…you poisoned his mind with your panties and your plotting to take him away
from me!
MOM
Honey, you have it all wrong. And
just like you Paul has his own hormones. One day he’ll have his own girlfriend.
You shouldn’t think about those things like that.
ROB
No. I know how this is going to go. You are going to sleep with Paul, you’re going to use him, and break his heart, and then I’ll never see him again.
No. I know how this is going to go. You are going to sleep with Paul, you’re going to use him, and break his heart, and then I’ll never see him again.
MOM
Honey, what has gotten into you?
ROB
Just like Dad.
MOM
Is that what this is about?
ROB
You cheated on him and now I hardly
ever see him anymore.
MOM
That’s not what happened.
(Paul re-enters the room)
PAUL
What is going on here?
MOM
Rob and I are just having a
mother-son talk.
PAUL
Oh does he know?
ROB
Know what? Oh my god, you did
didn’t you?
MOM
Of course not.
(Mom glances furtively at Paul)
PAUL
We were just doing laundry.
ROB
Know what?
MOM
Know that I cheated on your father. I admit it. I’m sorry. I was talking with
Paul about it. It just came out of my mouth. I guess I needed to vent.
ROB
Fuck, I already knew that.
MOM
Language! I’m tired of all your
cursing.
Doorbell rings
Fine I’ll answer it.
Mom exits the room.
ROB
What did I say?
PAUL
We just did laundry.
ROB
I’m not letting you be alone around
that woman.
PAUL
I think you are over-actioning.
ROB
It’s overreacting. And no, I don’t
think you get it. Maybe nothing has happened yet…But it will.
(Veronica and Mom enter the
room)
MOM
Oh my gawd. I’m sorry about the
mess.
(Mom picks up panties from the ground)
I was just doing laundry.
ROB
Hey baby.
VERONICA
Hey you.
MOM
I’m very glad to meet you. I’ve
heard a lot about you.
VERONICA
You have? What does Rob say about
me?
MOM
He says…he says he enjoys his time
with you….says he has fun.
VERONICA
Awwwe. Such a sweetie.
MOM
Anyways I’ve got to finish up with
dinner. I’m making a chicken salad. Can’t do a lot of cooking with the kitchen
being remodeled. Would you like to stay for dinner?
PAUL
I can help if you want.
ROB
No you’ve spent enough time with
her. You are coming upstairs with me.
MOM
Well I would like someone to help
me.
ROB
Veronica, you help her.
VERONICA
I guess I could. Sure babe,
anything for you.
Rob and Paul leave the room
MOM
If you could just wait one second,
let me get the things.
VERONICA
Sure I can wait.
(Mom exits the room and comes back with a cutting board and a salad
bowel filled with salad ingredients. She sets it down on the table. She comes back
with a store bought chicken and a knife)
MOM
Such a pain. I can’t wait to have
the kitchen back. I feel like we’ve been eating like rabbits. If you don’t mind
pulling apart the lettuce for me while I cut the chicken. Normally I would make
it myself, but you know how it is….
VERONICA
It’s fine. (She beings to rip apart lettuce while the mom cuts. The two women are
side by side facing the audience)
MOM
So how long have you been seeing
Robert?
VERONICA
Oh a few months. Three or four.
MOM
Well I hope he’s been treating you
well.
VERONICA
Yeah, he does. We have fun
together.
MOM
Speaking of having fun, I want to
make sure that you are being safe.
VERONICA
Sure, we don’t do anything crazy.
MOM
Teenage pregnancy has been
increasingly popular.
VERONICA
I don’t think that should be a
problem.
MOM
Now I know you’re using condoms,
but they don’t always work. Sometimes they break. And when they break the sperm
can enter-
VERONICA
We’re not having sex.
MOM
What?
VERONICA
We haven’t done it yet. All we’ve
done is kiss a few times. He says he wants to take it slow. We mostly just talk
and stuff.
MOM
I’m sorry this isn’t making sense
to me. Surely you’ve been doing other things with him. Second base things? You
can tell me. It’s fine.
VERONICA
Just kiss, that’s all. You have
nothing to worry about.
MOM
Nothing even at the movies?
VERONICA
Just watch the movie and hold hands.
MOM
Is it hard on you?
VERONICA
What? No, I mean it doesn't get hard. Not that I know of.
MOM
I mean not having those needs satisfied.
VERONICA
I guess a little. I wouldn’t mind
if we did a little more
.
MOM
Veronica, do you ever feel like
sometimes he just doesn’t notice how beautiful you are.
VERONICA
He tells me I am. But I don’t know. Something in the back of my head says he’s not all that attracted to me.
MOM
That’s a shame. You are incredibly
beautiful.
VERONICA
I am?
MOM
You must be sweeter than that
butter lettuce you are ripping apart. Can I have a taste?
VERONICA
Oh sure. Feel free to taste test.
MOM
I don’t mean the salad.
VERONICA
What?
MOM
Nothing. Never mind. I was hoping
we could finish quickly. The boys must be hungry. We’re almost done anyways.
(After preparing the table she calls out to the boys by moving closer
to the exit)
Rob, Paul, dinner! Dinner time!!
(Rob and Paul enter the room together)
Would you mind getting the
utensils? And drinks. I have some grape juice in the fridge.
(Rob, Veronica, and Paul exit the room and come back with the items and
set them on the table)
Let’s eat.
(Everyone passes around the salad bowl and begins to eat)
PAUL
Thank you Ms…Suz..Donahue.
ROB
You’re talking weird.
MOM
Rob be nice to your friends.
VERONICA
Can you pass the grape juice?
(Robert passes it to his Mom)
MOM
No need, I’ll pour it.
(Mom pours it to the brim and the knocks it over as she sets the bottle
back on the table. Veronica jumps up and look at the stain on her shirt)
I am soo so sorry. I’ll pay for it
I promise. Let me see if the laundry will get it out. In the meantime we’ll have to get you into something else. You can
where something of mine for now. Come, we’ll find you something.
Veronica and the mom exit the room.
Oh my god. I know what’s happening.
PAUL
What?
ROB
My mom is trying to seduce
Veronica.
You’re crazy.
ROB
Right now she’s taking off her
shirt.
PAUL
So what? They’re both girls.
ROB
I bet they’re doing stuff together.
PAUL
You think?
ROB
Oh gawd. I bet their licking
pussies or something.
PAUL
Wait girls do that?
ROB
Awesome Paul. Don’t you know
anything?
PAUL
But if you really think she’s doing
that why aren’t you stopping them?
ROB
It doesn’t matter anyways.
PAUL
But she's your girlfriend.
ROB
It doesn’t matter okay.
PAUL
Then why have you been giving me
such a hard time?
ROB
I knew it!! You have been doing it.
How could you do this to me?
PAUL
No. All we did was kiss. You can
calm down.
ROB
You lied to me.
(Mom and Veronica re-enter the room. Veronica is in a new slutty top)
You kissed Paul!!
MOM
That did not happen.
ROB
He told me it did.
MOM
What?
VERONICA
What? When was this?
PAUL
Tonight.
VERONICA
Tonight? When?
PAUL
Before you came.
VERONICA
What the hell is wrong with you?
MOM
Can we all calm down?
VERONICA
You made me feel special.
PAUL
I thought I was special too.
ROB
This is what she does. She just
takes everything away from me!
MOM
Fine you can have Veronica. I can
do without her.
ROB
NO MOM! YOU DO NOT GET PAUL!
MOM
Okay fine. I’ll stop. I’m sorry.
PAUL
But I like Ms. Donahue.
ROB
No Paul!! Don’t give in to her.
No Paul!! Don’t give in to her.
VERONICA
Oh my god. I get what’s happening.
ROB
That my mom is a selfish pervert!
VERONICA
You’re so gay. You’re totally gay.
You love Paul.
PAUL
Is this true? Do you love me? Do
you want to like lick my dick and stuff?
ROB
Yes Paul. I love you with all my
might!! I can hardly sleep, and think!! You are the thing that taunts my soul!
I jack off thinking about you all night and during the day whenever I can!! I
tried to cure myself with Veronica but it hasn’t worked at all. It’s been
torture keeping this to myself! Paul tell me somewhere deep inside you that you
love me too! I can’t expect you to be gay, but maybe one day you could be gay
for me. But I need you!! I need you to tell me that you share this love I have
for you.
PAUL
Well I suppose I could you let you
blow me if it’d make you feel better.
MOM
No you can’t be letting my son suck
your cock. What about our laundry?
PAUL
Do your own laundry.
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