This is how you win any offensive, emotional argument.
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| NoellaChol/Flickr.com |
Many people are reluctant to apologize, especially when it's something they didn't know they did wrong. So if you want to get an apology out of a situation like this, the trick is to not push the defensive button. Once this happens a fight will ensue. Nobody likes to feel like they are a bad person and this is why people get defensive. Think of it this way; don't dish out the whole pizza. A slice at a time will do. You will win with restraint.
1.Do not act out on passion.
You should never start a confrontation when you are still feeling extremely emotional about something. Take your time to gather your thoughts so that you can better articulate yourself. Generally in a fight people will match your own emotional level, so if you can keep your own in control, then the fight will not have to unnecessarily escalate. This will also prevent you from saying something you might regret later.
2. Either downplay what they did wrong or include the benefit of the doubt in your accusation.
If you accuse someone of something like they are the worst person in the world, this will definitely trigger the defensive button and you will be fighting for hours. So to soften the effect of what you want to say while still being able to say it, it may be a good idea to start with expressions like;
You probably didn't mean to....
I don't think you were aware...
It's not a huge deal but...
I'm not angry but I want you to know...
Including the benefit of the doubt into an argument shows the other person that you are willing to see their side of things, are open to more possibilities or interpretations of the situation at hand, and it overall reduces tensions.
For instance;
I. "I know because your schedule is so busy that it makes it easy for you to forget things, but I was under the impression we were going to go out tonight."
II. "I know you're probably not aware of kicking your socks everywhere, but I don't like finding them all over my apartment."
III. "I know you have a lot of good things to say and you're excited to say them, but sometimes you talk over me."
This is obviously better than;
I. "Why did you ditch me tonight?"
II. "Clean up your fucking socks"
III. "Can't you ever shut-up?"
3. Have a reasonable reaction to their transgression
Inappropriate reactions generally stem from taking something more personally than it needs to be.
For instance these are inappropriate reactions;
I. When you ruin our plans it makes me feel like you don't care about me at all or that I'm never on your mind.
II. When you leave your socks about I feel like it's disrespectful and that you don't respect me.
III. I feel like you don't care about anything I have to say.
These are more reasonable reactions;
I. I would like you to be more conscientious of when you make plans with me because it wastes my time, prevents me from making other plans, and leaves me feeling disappointed.
II. It's courtesy to pick up your own socks so that I don't have to. I don't like having to be annoyed with you each time I find one.
III. It's not polite to interrupt people.
4. Always focus your argument versus Universalizing it.
Contain your argument to one problem at a time.
You can make someone respond well to doing one thing wrong but they will never respond well if you make them think that they do everything wrong. For instance it's better to make someone feel like they are bad at keeping secrets rather than that they are a bad friend in general.
Also do not bring up other fights in the midst of a fight unless it was literally about the same thing.
5. Accept the apology and don't gloat about being right or bring it up for no good reason.
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